The Voice with Jovan Brkic

Shaqalicious

Published by Jovan Brkic on August 10, 2009

“Total absence of humor renders life impossible.”
-Colette

The other day I was reading about Shaq’s sports-based reality show, Shaq Vs., which premieres on August 18th. In it, the Big Diesel will go head-to-head against several sports stars in their respective sports, including names such as Michael Phelps, Oscar De La Hoya, Ben Roethlisberger and Serena Williams. If there’s anyone who could pull off such a show, it’s Shaq.

Not only is Shaq one of the most dominant athletes of all-time, but he is also one of the very few that has transcended sports to become more than an athlete. Simply put, he is a pop icon. He’s acted in movies, released rap CDs, and even wrestled in the WWE recently. More importantly to me, Shaq is one of the funniest and most engaging personalities I’ve ever had the pleasure of following. You might not like him as a player, but just watch some of his Facebook videos and try not to crack a smile. He’s a natural-born entertainer, and in this world, a little entertainment can go a long way to brightening up your day.

In my opinion, Shaq is at his most entertaining when he makes funny, off-the-cuff remarks in interviews. He toes a fine line between speaking his mind and whipping off punch lines, and does it so well that there’s even a website dedicated to his quotes (www.shaqquotes.com). So I decided to check out the site and pull up some of the best lines he’s come up with during his long career. Here are my top 32 quotes by Mr. #32 himself, Shaquille O’Neal.

“If you don’t like me, there must be something wrong with you.”

REPORTER: “Shaquille, what do you attribute your team’s success to?”
SHAQ: “I attribute it to me.”

“My game’s like the Pythagorean Theorem. It ain’t got no answer.”

“I’m the first graduate of LSU to graduate in crayon biology.”

REPORTER: “Let’s just say that a snake bit your mom right here, right in the chest area. Would you be willing to suck the venom out to win the title?”
SHAQ: “No, but I would with your wife.”

“Me having a beautiful wife and great family and friends around me, all the money I’ve got, all the things that I’ve got, a Ferrari that I just ripped the top off of and turned into a convertible, the rings I got, the two mansions on the water, a master’s in criminal justice, I’m a cop, plus I look good. So me shooting 40 percent at the foul line is just God’s way of saying that nobody’s perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“I wouldn’t. I would just go home. I’d fake an injury or something.” (When asked how he would defend against himself.)

“I’m like toilet paper, pampers and toothpaste, I’m proven to be good. Now I have a chance to get a house on the water and get naked on the beach. Remember, if you get pictures I get 20%.” (Comment made upon becoming a member of the Miami Heat.)

REPORTER: “Shaq, do you have a special routine before the playoffs?”
SHAQ: “Yeah, I let your mother rub my feet.”

“I weigh 330,000 pounds…I’m the NBA’s best NFL player, and I’ve always been the sexiest 7-footer in the NBA – for 12 years running.” (When asked what his weight is.)

REPORTER: “Toughest opponent you’ve played against over the years?”
SHAQ: “Nobody.”

“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”

“Utah had beaten us in the playoffs the year before, and my knee was screwed up, so Greg Ostertag was scoring, blocking a couple of my shots. I guess it gave him confidence. Lord knows, after seeing his game, he needs it. I went to talk to him after a practice and let him know he needs to just play and not talk. I said, ‘Man, you need to watch what you say.’ And he was like, ‘Watch what you say.’ So I was like, ‘Oh, you bad now?’ I wasn’t even mad. It was like a reflex. My open-handed right came up and smacked him upside his crew cut head. He went down, fetal position, whining, ‘My contact lenses, my contact lenses!’ If Ostertag had known I’d taken Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks, he wouldn’t have said that.”

REPORTER: “Build the perfect basketball player using four traits from other players? Any four traits…someone’s quickness, someone’s jumping ability, smarts, whatever.”
SHAQ: “Me. And all of my traits.”

“I’ve never had one.” (Upon asked about his most humbling experience.)

“It’s hard being the NBA’s sex symbol, but somebody has to do it.”

REPORTER: “In regards to Valentine’s Day, what’s the best way to propose?”
SHAQ: “I don’t know. I didn’t have to propose. My wife proposed to me.”

“Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it. All I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I sexy? I don’t know.” (When asked about the Lakers’ rash of injuries in the middle of last season.)

“I’m more like a senior adviser so I don’t like to come in here and try to take over. Just like your basic karate movie where the young guys come to the old guys with beards who have them do weird stuff to get to the other side. That’s who I am, the old guy with a long beard.” (Referring to his new role with the Phoenix Suns.)

REPORTER: “You’re in very good shape these days. What’s your secret?”
SHAQ: “I was with your mother last week. She took care of me very well.”

“Over on the causeway with all the foo-foo people.” (Referring to his new home in the Star Island section of Miami, with all the frou-frou celebrities.)

“They won’t talk to you because I’m undercover.” (Shaq’s explanation for the failure of Miami Beach police officials to return messages seeking commentary on O’Neal’s future career as a sheriff.)

“Pluto is not a planet, but I am.”

“I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I’m very intelligent when I speak.”

“Too much Nintendo.” (Shaq’s response to his GPA at LSU dropping from 3.0 to 2.0.)

“He’s the Italian version of my father. I don’t know if he’s Italian or not.” (Referring to Pat Riley, knowing that he’s Irish.)

“Who’s that?” (When asked about his new Miami Heat coach, Stan Van Gundy.)

“He could be dominant — if he played in the WNBA.” (Referring to Erick Dampier.)

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” (On whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.)

“We want you all to be in shape and look as good as me. Because I will be walking naked on the beach.” (On his fitness centres in South Beach.)

“I’ll take 14 out of 15 any day of the week, any week of the month, any month of the year, any year of the century. I don’t know what comes after century.” (On having the Miami Heat’s 14-game winning streak snapped.)

“Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.”

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